Idaho Insomniac

So I find myself unable to sleep once again.  It’s too late to take anything for it if I want to be functional in the morning.  Might as well write what’s going on in my head.  I’m hoping to “move the files” as opposed to “copy the files” from my head to this computer.  Perhaps if I change their location, they’ll no longer swirl around and keep me up?

Life doesn’t feel stressful.  Not really.  Not abnormally. 

Potential causes:

Finances

Money is okay.  We’ve set ourselves up for this very circumstance.  I’m so glad we have made some of the decisions and strategic moves that we have!  This is our 4th house.  We’ve made money on the sale of each of the previous homes, and don’t owe much on this one.  We were able to put the entire balance of our mortgage to a home equity line of credit, and our interest rate is very low, and we’re able to make interest only payments while our income has been reduced. We WERE on a 10 year plan to pay it off, but we’ll be fine if we have to bump that out a couple years.

ADHD

We are on the right track with C.  His behavior and the related stress have improved greatly.  I have the conference with his teacher tomorrow.  I’m pretty sure I know what that will entail, and I’m not worried about it.  Well, I was a bit antsy, because the principal had told my husband that she’d be attending.  I don’t care for her much.  Okay, I think she’s entirely void of capability and her ineptitude spans more facets than a single being could possibly count.  Perhaps one day I’ll share that story.  At any rate, I’m settled on that front as I spoke with the teacher and asked that the principal not be present.

Job Search

I had an interview today.  For a job I didn’t really want.  Though  this is my second interview since I’ve been laid off.  This is the second time I’ve been stricken with the call of the “old” profession.  I interview, see a fantastic challenge… a way to use my current skills and to learn something new… and part of me wants it.

Perhaps that’s what’s troubling my mind?  I DO want to go to school.  I DO want to change industries.  But I really did enjoy so much of my work previously.  This other job paid peanuts.  So it was a no-go.  I was underpaid by 50% at the company.  (yes, I have legitimate sources)  There’s no way I could cut that in about half to work for this place.  Even though it’s 10 minutes away.

School

I need to take that test.  The GRE.  It’s the final step.  Then I’ll be accepted (assuming I score over 1000).  Then the future will be a little less nebulous. 

Conclusion

I think the feeling of missing process engineering coupled with the relative uncertainty of school is what’s bugging me tonight.  My reasons for the career move are solid.  The career path is robust.  I guess I just have to navigate my way through the change.  I love fixing processes, bringing functions up to some “standard.”  I’ll be able to do this in healthcare.  It will just feel different. 

The Principal

So here’s the story.  When C was in kindergarten, he found a condom on the bus.  I guess he put it in his backpack and took it to the babysitter’s, who found him blowing on it.  It was out of the wrapper and unrolled when he found it.

Of course, my very first action was to call the principal.  This was not okay, and the district needed to know it happened so that it could be prevented from happening again.  Though the chances were small, the risks were there… that it had been on a body, that bad behavior was going on on the bus, any number of things. 

I shared these concerns with the principal.   She agreed they were legitimate concerns and that it shouldn’t happen again.  Her response??  “There’s nothing I can do to help you.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

She essentially told me “that’s not my job.”

Granted, I do think she meant that she had no authority over the bus department.  But I don’t care.  My thought was (and is) that the principal is the face of the school district to the parents.  The first line of contact.  Even if there was absolutely nothing she could about the BUS aspect of this occurrence, she could have talked to people for me, brought this to the attention of somebody who could have helped me, given ME names and phone numbers… any number of things. 

Instead she covered her ass.  She was more concerned about liability than about my son’s health, or the potential for this to happen to another child.

Several (bounced) emails and phone messages to her boss (director of elementary ed) later, I decide to play the media card.  Low and behold, someone decided to help me.

Interesting how her boss had a list of about 7 action items to help solve this problem and ensure it didn’t happen again.  One of which was to have the school nurses in the entire district talk to the kindergarten AND first grade classes about picking things up off the floor or ground.  Hmmmmm… the principal could have done this.  She didn’t care to even think about it.

At any rate, this was my first interaction with the “leader” of my son’s school, and it’s never improved.  There’s a bit more to the story, but this post has become a veritable epic, and I think I’ll try to sleep once again.

By the way… the pediatrician did recommend and I did take my kindergartener in to have blood drawn for an HIV test… due to the conditions provided by the school district.  Confidence NOT instilled in this parent.

So I'm having a hard time making myself go to bed. I'm tired and all... but my world is still off balance.

Purge Party
I cleaned out my entry closet and the shoe baskets we have on/under the entry table. There are still a couple items left to take care of, but that's one big item off my list. Purses are purged, coats are donated, shoes are gone thru... I feel like I've accomplished something. Not to mention that purging is just a good thing to do now.

The bathrooms have also been scrubbed. Though they still need the mirrors and floors done. And purging. But everything in time, right?

I think I have some items I should list on craigslist. Or perhaps I should have a garage sale. I hate garage sales. People always come around talking in "bits." Listen... the currency we use here is DOLLARS. I'm not working a conversion table. Oy. Anyway, that's a moot complaint as I'm really just not going to have a garage sale.

The schedule
I've started a schedule. It's barely more than a "straw-man," but it's something. Once I get some of this purging done and school starts, I can really hone in on assigning tasks to specific days and on what the day is going to look like. I bought some preschool materials for the 3 yo. I'll be sure to work that into the schedule.

The paperwork
I still haven't touched any unemployment paperwork. It's partly a function of the interruption-driven lifestyle of a home with small children. But it's mostly a function of ... gosh, it's just hard to acknowledge that my services are no longer needed by my former employer. At any rate, I'm not sure if some of my frustration and, let's be honest here, anger are justified, or if it's just part of the grieving process. Probably some of each. The hard part is accepting that there were some fantastic elements of the job. And some foul elements. And that most of the elements are people. Anyway, enough web whining.

I guess it's time to face the post midnight music and get some shut eye. Perhaps it's the dreaded wheel-o-thoughts that's keeping me away from bed.

Sleep is for the weak.

It's 3:51am. My head is screaming and my back aches. I'd like to blame it on this cold thing I have going on, but I think it's stress. Oy. I need to learn to relax.

The list
The other day, I thought I'd post a "list of things to do on unemployment." But that gave a bad vibe. Because my employment status is not what defines me. So now I'm creating a "list of things I now have the opportunity to do."

Now, some of these items include the cleaning out of closets, and creating the aforementioned schedule (please read this word in a bad british rendition). But the list also includes things like:
Take the young son to swimming lessons during the weekday
Be home in the afternoon for the man child's return from school
Take weekday naps
Do yoga two to three times per week with the young son

I'm excited about this list. There are some "milestone" items, and some longer term, maintenance items. It's going to be a nice list.

One week later...

It's 3:37 am and I can't sleep. Might as well write down what's on my mind, right? Maybe the thoughts will stop spinning around in my head like a mental tilt-a-whirl.

Introduction
A week ago I (like so many others) was laid off from my job. My "position was eliminated." As my position was to increase efficiency and promote the quality system at 3 locations, I'd like to pat myself on the back and say I'd done SO well that I worked myself out of a job. But we all know that's not true.

Political Ponderings
They say I didn't "do anything wrong." It was just easier to give my tasks to others. But I can't help but wonder what political mistakes (if any) were made along the way? Though I have a hard time believing that the only way I could have changed this outcome would have been to be a "yes man." I don't mean a yes wo/man. A yes MAN.

At this juncture, I'm still going through the "grief process" as we all do when we have a major change to any mental construct... like our identity or role, or our means to support our families. So bear with me while I whine a bit.

At any rate, I've been frustrated (increasingly so) as I look back. Perhaps I should have sold myself more? I own my own marketing mechanisms, and need to ensure people perceive me as valuable. I've never been an "in your face" sort of self-promoter. Not bashing those that are, but I've always been a believer that if you are good at what you do, people will notice. That REAL intelligence doesn't need an introduction or proclaimation. But this isn't so true. It's harder for a woman. It just is. At least in the male-dominated industries.

The balance is tenuous... so hard to find, and when you find it, it moves. I've always been one to speak my mind. I am skilled at presenting a competing thought/idea in a manner that those "above me" will be prone to accepting it. When that doesn't work, I can generally get people to think that my idea was their idea. Pride can be a big inhibitor when it comes to politics.

I can also speak out more directly. The manner in how I present my thoughts depends entirely on the audience, and even their moods that day, their relationships with others that they may be siding with or against... I'm really good at this.

Perhaps too good. I thought people noticed. They used to, anyway.

I've been told I could pass for a man. This because I'm intelligent, and I am not a mouse. It was a compliment, you see.

Aaaaand back to the beginning
How is a woman supposed to thrive in an environment where this way of thinking is accepted? What could I have done differently? Been "louder" about my thoughts and ideas? So I'd be more mannish? Be more demure, and keep my value hidden?

So it's a circle. There's not really a clear answer. And I'm not going to stand on a box and shout "I am a woman, hear me roar." But I do really really want to be valued. Because I bring it.

Yesmanship
The other piece of this puzzle that is frustrating me is that in this day and age, dissent isn't just frowned upon... it's punishable by death. (You know, the AXE, the CAN, the pink slip). it is to society's detriment. Mark my words. It's vital for people to offer up their opposing or differing viewpoints. Likewise, it's important for people to listen, REALLY listen to those opposing or differing viewpoints. The most robust solutions are only arrived upon when all contingencies and what-ifs and devil's advocates have been thought out. This doesn't mean there shouldn't be passion, or emotion... just that we need to also listen. People don't have passion and emotion around any subject because they are morons.

Take the whole healthcare thing, for example. Most Americans agree that there's a problem with our current healthcare structure. However, if you were to ask 20 people what the problem is, you'd get 15 different answers. You'd get 50 different solutions. Creating a goal to "solve" the problem is fantastic. But you aren't going to accomplish it in a month or less. And calling the opposing ideas "nazi's" and "unAmerican" is certainly not going to help us arrive at the most robust solution.

The same is true in corporate America. When management becomes an elite group of yes-MEN, and expects their suboordinates to behave in a similar manner... it doesn't speed up the development cycle, it doesn't improve product quality, it certainly doesn't do anything to help the customer, let alone delight them (closing the door to free marketing).

Now that I've gotten out my thoughts and it's 4:08am... we'll see if I can catch a few winks.