I wish I was. But alas. I’m attempting, yet again, to cure insomnia with blogging. It works well enough, plus there’s no morning grogginess.
Partly I’m awake because I’m thinking about Cosmo and his social problems, partly because I turned in my first graduate paper today, and instead of being relieved, I’m worried that it’s not good enough.
I even sent my paper to my mom in a pre-emptive attempt at bolstering my confidence in my abilities. It was partially successful (my mom is my biggest fan), but I still don’t know what the instructor will think. Alas. It will be weeks, and I need to just forget about it already.
I am an A student. I have this obscene fear that I’ll get a B. Really, is that so bad? What is my deal? I have had panic attacks over grades before. It’s absurd. I am not proud of it. Part of me is glad I’m driven to excel and learn, but really? This level of obsession is just not healthy. I’m hoping I’ll feel more comfortable next semester when I’ve gotten more into the groove of knowing more what is expected.
No interesting developments with Cosmo today. Other than I saw him ride his scooter sans helmet ON the splash pad. No wheels allowed there, and he broke that rule. The splash pad has been vandalized already by skateboarders who “grind” on the bench and who have damaged the lovely paint job. So he’s grounded from it for a month. Repeat offenses. Plus, we’ll be on vacation for two weeks, so it’s not really THAT hefty a fine.
To sum it all up…
I’m thinking I’ll sleep better when I learn to give up my illusion of control. This is why my mind whirls and thoughts spin around like a mental tornado in the wee hours. I have faith, I do… but it’s more about my fears of inadequacy than about not ACTUALLY having control. Did I do it right? What will other people think? Really, Amy… get over it.
Now that I know what my problem is, I need to find a solution that will work and implement it. HA! easier said than done.