If you ask, you shall receive!

The good news!
So, I had an attorney draft up a letter to outline my legal claims that I could sue on, and requested that they double my severance pay in order for me to waive my rights to sue.  They sure responded quickly!  My husband thinks we should sue, but I'd just like to move on.  I don't want to do anything that looks or feels vindictive, but I want to speak up for myself and "call 'no fair!'"  I think this is the best possible solution.  Perhaps I could have asked for more... but I feel good about this.  Like I can still hold my head high knowing I had good intentions, knowing that people I respect won't (likely) loose respect for me, and knowing that I have a backbone.

Life at the company wasn't all horrible.  There were some fantastic people that I hope to maintain relationships with.  It's just unfortunate that at the executive level and on down a level or two, there IS a machine.  It's not in my head.  Even though I know I didn't defeat the machine, I also denied it my energy.  I hope I loosened a few screws, at any rate.

So I took my youngest to Starbucks to celebrate.  He's really a gift.  He found a couple dollars in the clothes dryer, and I told him he could buy a treat; he enjoyed a cinnamon roll.

Coffee: a uniter of the people
While there, I observed the people a bit.  Coffee is a gift from God.  Not just because it's tasty and can provide a bit of an energy boost, but also because it unites humanity.  I'm fond of Starbucks.  I'm a Northwest sort of girl, and I'm pleased to see a NW company doing well.  And I enjoy their product.  I like their coffee better than most.  There are naysayers.  Some people genuinely do not prefer the Starbucks coffee, but many of them just don't like the large company-ness of the brand.  I suppose it's all good.  The world would be a boring place if we all agreed on everything.  But don't say Starbucks is for snobs.

While there today, I saw people from every walk of life.  People coming into a building to procure a beverage.  A tasty, energy boosting beverage.  People in coveralls or overalls, people with ties and sport coats, women in heels, women in long skirts and headcoverings, smartly dressed, people dressed for comfort.  All these people in a half an hour.  Coffee unites us in our diversity.  So when I say it's a gift from God, I'm partially speaking tongue in cheek, but it's really true.  While Starbucks (or ) isn't a church, per se, it IS a uniter of people. United we stand.  United with a warm beverage (I am exstatic that the pumpkin spice latte has returned!).

Kindness is weakness?
I've been thinking a lot about what the factors are in my recent  unemployment.  Sure, there's the machine I've talked about, and there's the "someone had to go" element... but what made them select me as a skill set they could live without? 

I've written before about how one of my persuasion techniques is to get people to think that my idea is actually THEIR idea.  This is a necessary skill to have in order to work with the machine.  However, it also makes one appear weak. 

Women are nurturing by nature.  Generally speaking, of course.  But we are wired differently.  This nurturing/kindness/gentle pursuasion... I think it's viewed as a weekness.  Certainly by the man types.  Generally speaking, of course.  So now, the question is... is it something I really want to change?  I think the answer is "yes, in part."  I don't want to become someone entirely different than who I currently am, but I DO want to have a voice.

The voice and the cough
Speaking of having a voice... I had a cough for nearly two years.  When conventional medicine wasn't giving me answers, I went to a naturopath (affectionately referred to as "the hippie doctor"... thanks to a friend).  One of the first questions he asked me is if I felt like I couldn't talk, or was being silenced.  I laughed at that.  He agreed that I didn't seem like one who had trouble offering her thoughts.  Though looking back, I DID feel like I was talking into a vacuum.  That I wasn't heard.  I have to wonder if that was a factor?  If (when) I go back, I'm going to have to ask him about that.  If you are curious, the hippie doctor put me on a grain-free dairy-free diet.  The pulmonologist put me on prednisone for a couple months, and together, that seemed to do most of the trick.  Though separately, neither was terribly effective.

At any rate, I'm feeling pretty good today.  A lot of good reflection, a new red coffee cup (so I can toss or donate my former favorite red cup with the company logo on it), a pumkin spice latte, good news, good day.

The first day of school

Second Grade begins Well, we all survived.  My oldest just walked in through the door, quickly talked about his day, and jetted off across the street.  I'm so glad to hear how much he likes it so far.  He was (awkwardly) sitting on my lap, and I said "you aren't my baby anymore."  He smiled a big, teeth-coming-in smile and said, "but I always will be in your memories!"  I love his sweet brain.

Today is the first time I was home for him to come home to me.  It makes the differentness of life sink in that much more.  A whole new routine.

Give in to bitterness?
My old boss contacted me today, asking for some information.  I'd be lying if I didn't say that I struggled hard deciding what to do.  I've always been helpful.  I used to teach people how to use applications at work.  Even though "IT trainer" wasn't anywhere near my job description, it helped QUALITY and standardization.  So I pitched in where I could.  But the bitter part of me didn't want to help today.  What a new sensation that was.  It's the first time I can recall where I actually wanted to withhold information that could help somebody. 

So I asked a friend.  I pretty much knew what she was going to say.  I guess because I really DID want to help and needed some encouragement to do the right thing.  Otherwise, I'd have selected a different person to talk to... So I ended up helping my old boss.  Besides, I quite like him.  Still.  (Truth be told, I think he had little, if anything, to do with my current employment status).

The vote of confidence
In other news, the old boss also forwarded contact information to me from the Quality Auditor/ consultant that I've worked with over the past 5 years.  Seems the Auditor/Consultant wanted to share information on how to contract for his company.  How nice!  Not only for the potential income/job, but also for the vote of confidence.  These little nuggets keep me from going insane from self-doubt.  Like another friend says, I have mad skills.

The schedule
The schedule (read: shhh-ed-ju-well) is coming along.  Though I've found myself to be quite addicted to the "Mafia Wars" application on facebook.  So I have to peel myself away from virtually killing strangers to wipe down the kitchen cabinets with orange oil.   The morning looks like this: Off to school, morning chores (flylady.net), and then storytime at a library.  Though we missed storytime today.  But everything in good time, right?  Next step: swimming lessons for the little tyke.  Yoga for mom in the afternoon.

Yoga
Speaking of yoga, I've been unsuccessful at doing it with the boys.  They just get silly, and I fear for my health.  Now that school has started, and naptime will leave me with TIME... I will do it then.  I do miss it.

Healthcare industry / Job outlook
Does anyone have any insight into the medical / healthcare community?  I've been reading a bit on the job outlook and there seems to be conflicting information.  Some say the healthcare MBA is a ticket to success in the industry.  Others say that without a BSN attatched to it, it's virtually worthless. I'm assuming that like many topics, the truth is somewhere in the middle. I've read that Lean/Six Sigma is just as valuable as a BSN to get into the industry, and I have to imagine that some might have no professional experience at all, or perhaps have degrees from less robust programs, or perhaps they interview poorly.  I just don't want to set myself up for failure.  Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Feelin' Mellow

I'm feeling peaceful today.  I hope this feeling lasts.  It's almost 3 weeks now, and I think the brunt of the bad has passed.  I'm sure I'll still have some negative emotions, but it seems as if most of that is over.

The boys are sick.  The oldest is getting over the cold going around, and my youngest is just starting it.  At least it makes for a quiet day.  The hubs is going to be home in the next day or two, and I'm looking forward to that.  Life will feel more normal.

I've found all the library story times in the nearby libraries, and I'm geared up to take the 3 yo while his brother is in school.  I have another list of things to do with the boys, and some preschool activites for the youngest.  It feels good to feel prepared.

It's a lovely gray, chilly day today.  Most people don't like the gray days, but I think there is a special peace about them.  Coffee, the internet (or a good book) and you're all set.  Besides, the pumpkin spice latte is back at starbucks.  Life is good.

Sooooo... I've got nothing really to talk about.  Other than that today, life is good, and the future looks good as well.

All signed up

Well, I just signed up for unemployment. Why do I feel a sense of shame? I didn't do anything wrong. The good news is that unemployment is now direct-deposit-able. Nice.

Now I just need to start opening up envelopes that have come in the mail. Health insurance, life insurance, 401(k) rollovers... unemployment is a paperwork nightmare. Good thing I've got all this time off to get it done! Though one of the reasons I haven't opened envelopes is because the hubs is out of town, and I'm rollin' "single mom style." Yeah, tomes of important papers should not be kept around a three year old. Besides, opening them and filling that stuff out makes it all the more real.

Speaking of reality... it's starting to sink in a bit more. I've gotten confused on which day of the week it is. That's easy enough to do when you aren't counting down to friday. I'm not counting down to friday anymore. The day of the week is relatively unimportant. Though school starts up for my almost second-grader, so I'll get back into the day of the week thing at that time.

I got my last paycheck today. I also had an attorney send in papers to negotiate my severance pay. We'll see how that goes. I'd been struggling with the decision on whether or not to sue for a miriad of reasons, and decided to try a quicker, cheaper, and emotionally easier route to standing up for myself. Maybe I'll get into those reasons on a later date. To delve into them now would set me back.

Back to the Unemployment ... now I have to start looking for work. Ultimately, I'd like to get back into school. So what's a girl to do? Apply for jobs she's not qualified for? Apply for jobs she IS qualified for? I've never been a good liar or cheat. I'll probably end up applying for jobs I could get. I did see a really cool looking one in Sandpoint. Though it was taken. Alas. It paid more than twice what I was making, and looked like essentially the same job. Well... I want to change industries, anyway.

Last time I was on unemployment, I though I'd be able to "ride" it for a while and stay home with my baby. I was 7 months pregnant when I was laid off for the first time. When I got home from a 4 day stay in the hospital with him, I had a message on the answering machine requesting an interview. Now I'm laid off from THAT job. My oldest was 9 weeks old when I started there.

I got my CDs in the mail with the information from my old work computer today. *sigh* Soon enough all the activity will be done, and I'll just be another chick without a job...with this lame sense of shame. Like I'm not good enough. I'm not as good or as valuable as I'd thought. Though some very lovely people have encouraged me that I AM. That it's not ME. After seven years of being underpaid, of not being recognized for what I did or was capable of... it's hard to believe. But I'm working on it. I have to. I have a great future ahead of me, and I won't get there with THIS mindset.

Settling in

So it seems as if I'm settling into my new role as a housewife. Though, sadly, I've come to realize that I still need to get up before 8am.

Though after reading another blog, I've come to an epiphany. I'm using this "new role" as a distraction to not accomplish what I should be accomplishing in order to pursue school and to get my benefit stuff in line. Though admittedly... the doctor and dentist appointments we've had this week have sufficiently interrupted my day. That, and my hasty focus on a different effort have been taking up quite a bit of time. And my husband is out of town. See how easy it is to self-justify??

I am excited at the prospect of school! MBA in Healtchare Administration. A field friendlier to the female sort. (nice consonance, no?) And I think I'd feel like I was somehow working for society, less so for THE MAN. Like I'm adding value people understand. Making some large corporation more efficient... who really cares? Heck, they didn't!

Have I ever mentioned that I turned down a job with the department of energy in Idaho Falls / Pocatello? Idaho Nucular Laboratory. As a process engineer. With nukes. Required a security clearance. Would have been cool. But it was so... "post WWII East Berlin" there. and the towns... just weren't as pretty as here. No green to speak of, unless you count sagebrush. An hour drive to work each day. Well, there's a bus that's hired out that everyone uses. Not to mention that there's no starbucks to walk to with a buddy, and the cafeteria was... reminded me of prison or something. There'd be no working from home (National Security can't be VPN'd in), no cell phones with cameras, desk materials circa 1962... so I declined it.

My cough started up right after my interview there... but let's not dwell on THAT.

Ah, well. Life is good, really. I feel much better. I've made a big decision regarding the company, and I'm feeling relief and peace again. Now I can focus on my boys. And getting the details straightened out.

And I've found some yoga on the dish. Recorded some. Now I need to actually do it!

It's September!

I have it on good authority that the pumpkin spice latte is back at Starbucks! Color me ecstatic! I splurged on the boys and me yesterday with frappucinos and a latte...but Thursday I'm heading out to the unemployment center for a seminar on WIA... the education benefits that may be available. So perhaps I'll stop in then. :) I also have plans to meet up with some work-y friends for lunch!! YAY!

I've not gotten a ton done today. My finger still hurts from yesterday. The gout (a type of arthritis) gets aggravated when joints are used. But I have gotten the floors done, and some laundry done. But why am I having such a hard time coming up with a basic schedule?

Well, the boys are no longer content with quiet time!

So I'm having a hard time making myself go to bed. I'm tired and all... but my world is still off balance.

Purge Party
I cleaned out my entry closet and the shoe baskets we have on/under the entry table. There are still a couple items left to take care of, but that's one big item off my list. Purses are purged, coats are donated, shoes are gone thru... I feel like I've accomplished something. Not to mention that purging is just a good thing to do now.

The bathrooms have also been scrubbed. Though they still need the mirrors and floors done. And purging. But everything in time, right?

I think I have some items I should list on craigslist. Or perhaps I should have a garage sale. I hate garage sales. People always come around talking in "bits." Listen... the currency we use here is DOLLARS. I'm not working a conversion table. Oy. Anyway, that's a moot complaint as I'm really just not going to have a garage sale.

The schedule
I've started a schedule. It's barely more than a "straw-man," but it's something. Once I get some of this purging done and school starts, I can really hone in on assigning tasks to specific days and on what the day is going to look like. I bought some preschool materials for the 3 yo. I'll be sure to work that into the schedule.

The paperwork
I still haven't touched any unemployment paperwork. It's partly a function of the interruption-driven lifestyle of a home with small children. But it's mostly a function of ... gosh, it's just hard to acknowledge that my services are no longer needed by my former employer. At any rate, I'm not sure if some of my frustration and, let's be honest here, anger are justified, or if it's just part of the grieving process. Probably some of each. The hard part is accepting that there were some fantastic elements of the job. And some foul elements. And that most of the elements are people. Anyway, enough web whining.

I guess it's time to face the post midnight music and get some shut eye. Perhaps it's the dreaded wheel-o-thoughts that's keeping me away from bed.